1 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:29,200 Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And 2 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,720 in a packed programme tonight, we shall be talking to a stereo expert about his 3 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:35,740 favourite breakfast, two bowls of Rice Krispies ten feet apart. 4 00:00:37,060 --> 00:00:42,320 Then we'll have a novelty dance by Rita Mertricata, who dresses only in three 5 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:46,220 coins. No, we let her come on the show as she's down to her last penny. 6 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:52,240 And we'll be talking to another young lady who is a world authority on 7 00:00:52,570 --> 00:00:54,890 an expert on rugs and not at all bad on lino. 8 00:00:57,230 --> 00:00:58,910 But first, the news. 9 00:00:59,390 --> 00:01:03,790 After an all -night sitting in the House of Commons, all parties have now agreed 10 00:01:03,790 --> 00:01:04,930 it must have been the curry. 11 00:01:09,790 --> 00:01:13,910 Figures released today show that two out of every ten men work for a 12 00:01:13,910 --> 00:01:16,570 nationalised industry, while the other eight sit and watch them. 13 00:01:18,050 --> 00:01:23,360 Mr Osbert Grove, Britain's worst ever postman, who claims he was wrongfully 14 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:28,260 dismissed by the GPO, today delivered a petition to the Queen at 15 Station 15 00:01:28,260 --> 00:01:29,260 Street, Scumford. 16 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:37,260 Following an incident in Oxford Street involving three ladies shoppers and a 17 00:01:37,260 --> 00:01:42,140 policeman's truncheon, Mr Burt Whither, a one -man band, has been charged with 18 00:01:42,140 --> 00:01:43,480 conducting himself improperly. 19 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,420 And more news indeed from the world of music. 20 00:01:50,620 --> 00:01:53,740 Shirley Bassey has just had a single come out. 21 00:01:54,020 --> 00:01:55,800 One of the straps broke on her dress. 22 00:01:57,460 --> 00:02:01,800 But now a sketch in which Mr Ronnie Corbett performs the last dance of Bert 23 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:03,980 Higgins, the famous one -legged tap dancer. 24 00:02:04,780 --> 00:02:08,259 He collapses in the middle of his act and has to crawl off the stage on all 25 00:02:08,259 --> 00:02:09,259 threes. 26 00:02:19,910 --> 00:02:20,910 Crowded tonight. 27 00:02:21,190 --> 00:02:22,190 Crowded tonight. 28 00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:25,630 Unusual, you know that, for a Sunday. 29 00:02:26,750 --> 00:02:28,270 Unusual, you know that, for a Sunday. 30 00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:32,150 Would you mind not repeating everything I say, please? 31 00:02:33,050 --> 00:02:34,310 I'm awfully sorry. Sorry. 32 00:02:35,490 --> 00:02:39,030 My name's Arthur Wilkins, by the way. Oh, hello, I'm George Prothero. Ah, 33 00:02:39,110 --> 00:02:40,110 I'm George Prothero. 34 00:02:42,610 --> 00:02:44,330 You said you were Arthur Wilkins. 35 00:02:44,570 --> 00:02:45,830 You said you were Arthur Wilkins. 36 00:02:46,230 --> 00:02:47,570 My God, you're doing it again. 37 00:02:47,830 --> 00:02:48,930 My God, you're doing it again. 38 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,320 Please not interrupt me all the time and repeat everything I say. 39 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,280 More repeats with you than the BBC. 40 00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:58,880 I'm awfully sorry. 41 00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:00,300 Awfully sorry. 42 00:03:00,940 --> 00:03:02,820 I bought a calendar in Tamworth yesterday. 43 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:04,380 That's better. That's better. 44 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,220 You're doing it again. 45 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:12,300 You're doing it again. Stop it. Stop it. Look, I may be unusual, but I find it 46 00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:15,800 very irritating for someone to keep repeating everything I say all the time. 47 00:03:15,860 --> 00:03:18,020 It's not what I regard as the art of conversation. 48 00:03:18,540 --> 00:03:22,800 I'm awfully sorry, but I've got this nervous compulsion, you see. The first 49 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,820 three things that anybody says, I repeat. 50 00:03:25,220 --> 00:03:26,820 Then the next one, I don't. 51 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,460 Then the next three, I repeat. 52 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,740 The next one, I don't. And so on. 53 00:03:31,060 --> 00:03:34,220 Oh, my God, how awful. Oh, my God, how awful. 54 00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:38,200 Well, the best thing for me to do is to get through my next two remarks as 55 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,200 quickly as possible. Knickers. 56 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,520 Well, the best thing for me to do is get through my next remarks as quickly as 57 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:43,520 possible. Knickers. 58 00:03:44,060 --> 00:03:45,019 More knickers. 59 00:03:45,020 --> 00:03:46,020 More knickers. 60 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,220 Good. Good. Now, perhaps we can talk some sense. How long has this complaint 61 00:03:49,220 --> 00:03:52,820 been going on? Ah, good. Now, perhaps we can talk some sense. How long has this 62 00:03:52,820 --> 00:03:53,820 complaint been going on? 63 00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:57,660 You've just repeated me a fourth time. Yes, I know. I think it's getting worse. 64 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:01,600 I think you're a fake. 65 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,660 I think you're a fake. Right. 66 00:04:03,940 --> 00:04:04,940 I'll fix you. 67 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:11,080 To escort an orangutan from Barden -Barden to Wagga -Wagga via Addis Ababa 68 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:14,240 vice versa is enough to make a Gurkha Sherpa commit harikiri. 69 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:24,920 To escort an orangutan from Baden -Baden to Wagga Wagga via Addis Ababa and vice 70 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,820 versa is enough to make a Sherpa Gurka commit hara -kiri. 71 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:36,300 Tasmanian Dalmatians hate Romanian Alsatians, and Romanian Alsatians hate 72 00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:41,760 Tasmanian Dalmatians. But antiquarian Bulgarians love planetarians, and 73 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:46,720 Romanians, Lithuanians, and Tasmanians all love uranium. 74 00:05:11,670 --> 00:05:13,750 Sometimes I only repeat things twice. 75 00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:42,100 Arnold Splint, and I am here tonight. 76 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:51,680 This is an appeal for women only. Now, please don't switch off, because it's 77 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:53,560 men I want to talk to especially tonight. 78 00:05:54,540 --> 00:05:57,500 I'm appealing to you for women. I need them desperately. 79 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,060 I can't get enough. 80 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,100 And the reason I'm appealing to you men is that I don't appeal to women. 81 00:06:04,660 --> 00:06:06,100 But I still need them. 82 00:06:06,380 --> 00:06:11,400 So this is how you can help. If you have an old woman you no longer need, send 83 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,980 her to me. Simply tie her arms and legs together, wrap her in brown paper, and 84 00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:18,420 post her to me, care of the BBC, with your own name printed clearly on the 85 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:19,420 bottom. 86 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,000 Because that's the bit I shall undo first. 87 00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:28,360 Send as many women as you like, no matter how small. 88 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:33,000 I assure you all those accepted will be made good use of by me and my team of 89 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:37,240 helpers. who, incidentally, carry on this work many without any form of 90 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:44,160 I do hope you can find time to send me something. We did originally start 91 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:48,120 collecting with a van from door to door, but this scheme was abandoned owing to 92 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:49,300 the wear and tear on the knockers. 93 00:06:51,660 --> 00:06:56,000 I think we should remember that Christmas comes but once a year, and 94 00:06:56,000 --> 00:07:00,300 does come, and you are sitting at home by your own fireside, warming yourself 95 00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:01,760 beside a roaring great woman. 96 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:06,840 All those poor unfortunate people who are having to go without at Christmas. 97 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:10,700 Why not send them an old flame or two to warm the cockles of their hearth rug? 98 00:07:11,380 --> 00:07:12,800 Please, post them off today. 99 00:07:13,220 --> 00:07:16,660 Help us set up our women on wheel service for old men who can't move 100 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:23,780 I know it's not easy. It requires self -denial, patience, and an enormous 101 00:07:23,780 --> 00:07:24,780 of string. 102 00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:29,160 But I'm sure you'll feel better for it. I know I shall. Good night. 103 00:07:50,830 --> 00:07:56,130 Under 1898, the Phantom roamed the streets, outraging decent human beings 104 00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:57,109 surprise attacks. 105 00:07:57,110 --> 00:08:01,670 No one was safe from this deadly assailant. The Prime Minister's butler 106 00:08:01,670 --> 00:08:03,070 full brunt of the first onslaught. 107 00:08:03,890 --> 00:08:05,210 Oh, no! 108 00:08:06,170 --> 00:08:11,810 Help! I have never been so... And from then on, no one of aristocratic blood 109 00:08:11,810 --> 00:08:13,310 could rest easily in their beds. 110 00:08:13,650 --> 00:08:16,970 The Duchess of Ard had been found floating in her plumage. 111 00:08:17,260 --> 00:08:18,880 The raspberry tattooed on each knee. 112 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,540 He got the week. The phantom relentlessly continued his attacks. 113 00:09:10,730 --> 00:09:13,410 Time and time again, the phantom struck all over London. 114 00:09:54,439 --> 00:09:57,940 Heavily overworked, the police force was in danger of collapse, but the search 115 00:09:57,940 --> 00:09:59,140 went doggedly on. 116 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,560 Here, I want to work with you. 117 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:05,280 Here, 118 00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:07,700 I want to work with you. 119 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,360 Then, one morning, a ray of hope. 120 00:10:26,090 --> 00:10:27,090 You're twiddling, Inspector. 121 00:10:27,850 --> 00:10:29,190 But this is Mrs. Socks. 122 00:10:29,410 --> 00:10:33,470 What is? This woman I've got hold of here. Oh, is it? Good afternoon. Please 123 00:10:33,470 --> 00:10:35,590 down. Thank you. No, not you, sir. Please do. 124 00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:40,390 Now, Mrs. Socks, would you tell me, please, all you know about the Phantom? 125 00:10:41,310 --> 00:10:43,470 Well, he's my son. 126 00:10:43,930 --> 00:10:44,930 Oh? 127 00:10:45,010 --> 00:10:50,630 Oh. I know I shouldn't be informing on him to the Roses, but I think you ought 128 00:10:50,630 --> 00:10:52,970 to know why he's a -doing of it. 129 00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:55,090 And why is he a -doing of it? 130 00:10:55,630 --> 00:10:57,790 Well, I've known him since he was born. 131 00:10:58,230 --> 00:11:00,610 It all started with his father. 132 00:11:00,990 --> 00:11:02,790 Yes, yes, it would do, yes. 133 00:11:03,010 --> 00:11:05,250 And his socks and I were a happy pair. 134 00:11:05,710 --> 00:11:08,450 He was a master rubber cushion moulder. 135 00:11:08,830 --> 00:11:14,790 Naturally. Well, he was employed by the late Lord Cardigan, a wealthy practical 136 00:11:14,790 --> 00:11:19,550 joker, to make whoopee cushions to embarrass his guests at dinner. 137 00:11:20,130 --> 00:11:24,370 Well, one of his guests, General Fergus Park, was outraged. 138 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:30,420 and he in turn decided to make whoopee cushions bigger and better and louder 139 00:11:30,420 --> 00:11:32,900 ruder to embarrass Lord Cardigan. 140 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,200 I see. 141 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:39,400 There started a conflict between them, and the pressure upon my husband was 142 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:45,300 terrific. Lord Cardigan worked him night and day to outdo General Pock. 143 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:48,940 Quite. I do hope I'm not boring you, Inspector. 144 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:50,980 Not at all. Go on. 145 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:57,590 Finally, exhausted after... Ten years of conflict, they called the truth. 146 00:11:57,890 --> 00:12:00,750 And both invited Ernest and I to dinner. 147 00:12:01,030 --> 00:12:07,610 But, unbeknown to us, they had secreted an explosive giant whoopee cushion 148 00:12:07,610 --> 00:12:09,590 under my husband's chair. 149 00:12:11,010 --> 00:12:12,250 Then what happened? 150 00:12:12,530 --> 00:12:18,090 Well, as he sat down, the shot was too much. He had a seizure in his leg. 151 00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:19,930 And what did you do? 152 00:12:20,350 --> 00:12:24,820 I was so surprised, I nearly went... A tablecloth with my white wine. 153 00:12:25,980 --> 00:12:29,320 And your son swore revenge on behalf of his father? 154 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:32,280 Indeed he did. Swore something terrible. 155 00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,180 Where is he now, then? 156 00:12:34,380 --> 00:12:36,080 I don't know. I wish I did. 157 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:38,840 What did you say his first name was? 158 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,240 Dick. 159 00:12:40,620 --> 00:12:41,800 Dick? Dick? 160 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,220 No, just one Dick. 161 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,400 Sergeant Bowles? Yes, sir? 162 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,720 Arrest all men called Dick. Very good, sir. 163 00:12:50,180 --> 00:12:51,220 And here... 164 00:12:51,660 --> 00:12:56,060 Ever since his father's death, he swore to get even by attacking the ruling 165 00:12:56,060 --> 00:12:58,320 classes. Even royalty. 166 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:04,880 Even royalty, eh? 167 00:13:06,020 --> 00:13:08,420 Do you know what this means, Sergeant Rose? No, sir. 168 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:10,260 No, I didn't think you would. 169 00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:12,900 It means he may attack even royalty. 170 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:14,820 Her Majesty. 171 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,800 We must protect the Queen's person at all costs. 172 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:21,040 Yes, sir. 173 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:23,700 Mr. Queen's person, sir. 174 00:13:24,620 --> 00:13:27,920 I have no time to bandy legs with you, Bowles. 175 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:31,340 Queen is in mortal danger. Even now it may be too late. 176 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:36,260 We must round up all those who are loosely connected with royalty, whose 177 00:13:36,260 --> 00:13:37,300 Christian name is Dick. 178 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,780 A seemingly hopeless task. 179 00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:41,220 Pardon? No, I didn't speak. 180 00:13:41,460 --> 00:13:46,680 How could even the great Inspector Corn of the Yard trace one madman in a city 181 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:48,260 of six million inhabitants? 182 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:54,570 As luck would have it, The first person they questioned, called Dick, also had 183 00:13:54,570 --> 00:13:55,570 royal connections. 184 00:13:55,610 --> 00:13:57,150 Dick Harrison, sons. 185 00:13:57,810 --> 00:13:59,330 Loyal subject, you say, Wells? 186 00:13:59,710 --> 00:14:00,710 I don't know, sir. 187 00:14:01,070 --> 00:14:02,930 He says cobblers to the queen. 188 00:14:06,890 --> 00:14:08,710 I think that's a better investigation. 189 00:14:09,010 --> 00:14:13,390 Good day, my man. 190 00:14:13,730 --> 00:14:14,910 I'm a police officer. 191 00:14:15,270 --> 00:14:16,270 They'll be ready Thursday. 192 00:14:17,210 --> 00:14:20,490 They've not come for shoes. I am pursuing inquiries. 193 00:14:21,230 --> 00:14:22,230 Well, it ain't been through here. 194 00:14:23,690 --> 00:14:24,690 Shut up, Henry. 195 00:14:25,230 --> 00:14:27,950 That's Henry, my brother. He'd be daft. 196 00:14:28,210 --> 00:14:31,570 Not like me. I'd be saving two shillings to get married. 197 00:14:33,010 --> 00:14:34,590 When were you cobblers for the Queen? 198 00:14:34,890 --> 00:14:37,510 I wasn't. Then why is it on your sign? 199 00:14:38,070 --> 00:14:39,910 Oh, I shouted it once in Hyde Park. 200 00:14:43,810 --> 00:14:46,930 Shut up, Henry, and dip your head in a bucket of water. 201 00:14:47,870 --> 00:14:50,190 He's terrible scrubbing pains in his anvil. 202 00:14:51,300 --> 00:14:53,560 I think we're wasting our time here, Bill. Sure. 203 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:55,440 That's right, gentlemen. 204 00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:56,660 They'll be ready Thursday. 205 00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,260 It's all right, Dick. They've gone. 206 00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:08,920 If you don't calm down, it'll be the trains again. 207 00:15:09,940 --> 00:15:11,760 The trains! And the rats! 208 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:12,879 Don't stand! 209 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:13,880 The rats! 210 00:15:15,060 --> 00:15:16,060 Stop it! 211 00:15:16,220 --> 00:15:19,360 Stop it! Will you stop it? Otherwise, I'll be done for. 212 00:15:19,870 --> 00:15:24,710 No one must know my awful secret. No one must know that I'm harping the phantom 213 00:15:24,710 --> 00:15:26,910 raspberry blower of old London town. 214 00:15:31,150 --> 00:15:37,830 Ladies and gentlemen, 215 00:15:38,010 --> 00:15:39,370 Barbara Dixon. 216 00:16:11,329 --> 00:16:15,090 Good day sunshine. 217 00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:18,730 Good day sunshine. 218 00:16:19,510 --> 00:16:22,110 Good day sunshine. 219 00:16:22,810 --> 00:16:24,250 We take a walk. 220 00:16:24,830 --> 00:16:26,470 The sun is shining down. 221 00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:30,420 touch the ground. 222 00:16:46,180 --> 00:16:53,000 And then 223 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,840 we lie beneath a shady tree. 224 00:16:59,850 --> 00:17:00,870 She feels good. 225 00:17:01,430 --> 00:17:03,290 She knows she's been fine. 226 00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:53,650 Secret by Pam Ayres. 227 00:17:56,230 --> 00:18:02,790 I'm on the telly all the time with poems what I wrote, suppressing giggles in me 228 00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:05,550 cheek and chuckles in me throat. 229 00:18:06,410 --> 00:18:10,390 But I'm now going to surprise you. 230 00:18:10,670 --> 00:18:14,870 Forgive me if I brag about my well -kept secret. 231 00:18:16,750 --> 00:18:18,590 I'm Benny Hill in drag. 232 00:18:33,130 --> 00:18:33,749 Good evening. 233 00:18:33,750 --> 00:18:38,590 I am speaking to you tonight on behalf of the Liberal Party. 234 00:18:39,210 --> 00:18:44,630 Now, I'm not going to bore you with a lot of political clichés which you've 235 00:18:44,630 --> 00:18:46,510 heard time and time again. 236 00:18:46,910 --> 00:18:53,330 Broken promises, soaring prices, inflation, and all the empty 237 00:18:53,330 --> 00:18:57,750 rhetoric that the Conservatives and Socialists are so fond of. 238 00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:00,050 I... I'm a liberal. 239 00:19:00,350 --> 00:19:03,090 I am interested in honesty. 240 00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:07,670 And that is why I say to you, let's look at the facts. 241 00:19:08,150 --> 00:19:13,490 There are people who say there's no difference between the political parties 242 00:19:13,490 --> 00:19:20,230 anymore. They say that conservatives and socialists and liberals are all saying 243 00:19:20,230 --> 00:19:21,230 the same thing. 244 00:19:21,690 --> 00:19:23,030 We are not. 245 00:19:23,410 --> 00:19:29,960 And those who say we are saying the same thing, We in the Labour Party say 246 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,520 wrong. That isn't true at all. 247 00:19:36,380 --> 00:19:43,180 There are basic, radical, fundamental differences between all three 248 00:19:43,180 --> 00:19:49,680 parties on which there can never, repeat never, be any real 249 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:56,160 measure of agreement. Absolutely. What are those differences? 250 00:19:57,020 --> 00:20:03,400 Well, it is only the conservatives who really believe in an extended economy, 251 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:09,260 a united Europe, and the freedom of the individual. And you're grim. 252 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:18,960 So why not change your vote this election and vote for the party with the 253 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,180 difference, the Liberal Party. 254 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,080 Good night, and God bless you. 255 00:20:37,350 --> 00:20:42,070 You know, the newspapers are always so ludicrously coy about any reference 256 00:20:42,070 --> 00:20:48,490 About any reference to... Any reference to 257 00:20:48,490 --> 00:20:54,390 the... The procreative habits. 258 00:20:56,010 --> 00:20:57,010 The what? 259 00:20:57,890 --> 00:21:02,870 The procreative... Well, in layman's language, to be... I mean, the physical 260 00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:05,150 union. The physical conjunction. 261 00:21:08,250 --> 00:21:09,550 What? The papers are. 262 00:21:10,070 --> 00:21:11,830 They always skirt round the subject, don't they? 263 00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:13,730 What subject? 264 00:21:17,990 --> 00:21:23,310 Well, the subject of not to beat about the bush, the subject of not beating 265 00:21:23,310 --> 00:21:27,890 about the bush, and being certain about certain things that do go on between a 266 00:21:27,890 --> 00:21:29,970 man and a woman when married. 267 00:21:31,310 --> 00:21:32,310 Pardon? 268 00:21:34,270 --> 00:21:37,230 Look, to be blunt, the things that the papers aren't blunt about. 269 00:21:37,710 --> 00:21:40,510 You know, in a word, thing. 270 00:21:41,350 --> 00:21:42,350 Thing. 271 00:21:44,730 --> 00:21:45,730 Thing. 272 00:21:47,150 --> 00:21:48,270 Thing, you know. 273 00:21:49,030 --> 00:21:52,710 What you make when your wife is in bed on Sunday morning. 274 00:21:56,310 --> 00:21:57,330 Breakfast, you know. 275 00:21:59,270 --> 00:22:00,270 Oh, 276 00:22:01,090 --> 00:22:02,090 sex! 277 00:22:02,750 --> 00:22:03,750 Yes. 278 00:22:04,310 --> 00:22:05,310 Oh, that. 279 00:22:05,530 --> 00:22:06,570 They're all so... 280 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,580 evasive about it, aren't they? Not like you or I. 281 00:22:08,860 --> 00:22:15,560 I mean, you know, one ought to be able to use 282 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:22,380 certain words, you know, freely, like, um, like, um, like 283 00:22:22,380 --> 00:22:24,380 certain words, you know, which one can use freely. 284 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,060 Yes, yes, yes, but they're so evasive about it, aren't they? 285 00:22:28,660 --> 00:22:30,900 The weather's been very nice recently, hasn't it? 286 00:22:31,620 --> 00:22:34,380 I mean, they always try and skirt around the subject, don't they? My wife bought 287 00:22:34,380 --> 00:22:35,940 a nice new hat the other day. It was very nice. 288 00:22:36,410 --> 00:22:38,490 I mean, it says here, look, intimacy took place. 289 00:22:39,350 --> 00:22:42,290 Now, why did they just come out with it and say he gave her a jolly good? Did 290 00:22:42,290 --> 00:22:43,290 you see the cricket? 291 00:22:46,990 --> 00:22:49,430 No, I mean, why did they just say he gave her a jolly good? Crickets! 292 00:22:51,690 --> 00:22:55,530 Why did they say he gave her a jolly good dinner and then took her home? 293 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:07,480 intimacy took place. 294 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,600 It's the same with the contra... with contra... you know, with... with the 295 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:16,020 pill. 296 00:23:18,460 --> 00:23:19,800 Does your wife take the pill? 297 00:23:20,420 --> 00:23:22,140 I don't pry into a private life. 298 00:23:26,180 --> 00:23:28,860 Mine does. Does she? Yes. Oh, it's my stop now. 299 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:31,140 Mind you, only one a day. 300 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:33,520 Still, that's seven a week, you know. 301 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:38,500 Of course, we don't use all of them. 302 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:49,700 Now here is the late news. We've just heard that in the English Channel, a 303 00:23:49,700 --> 00:23:53,140 carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. 304 00:23:53,460 --> 00:23:55,780 It is believed both crews have been marooned. 305 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:02,340 News from the courts. 306 00:24:02,540 --> 00:24:07,430 A sheik from Abu Dhabi... appeared in Kuwait Divorce Court today. 307 00:24:07,630 --> 00:24:11,670 His harem claimed infidelity and cited the Dagenham Girl Pipers. 308 00:24:12,870 --> 00:24:18,590 And a man was prosecuted for cruelty by the RSPCA. He bought a homing pigeon and 309 00:24:18,590 --> 00:24:19,590 then moved house. 310 00:24:22,990 --> 00:24:27,810 A member of the Buckingham Palace staff who was accused of stealing ten large 311 00:24:27,810 --> 00:24:32,530 cans of beans, seven pounds of radishes, and three jars of pickled onions. 312 00:24:34,110 --> 00:24:35,590 has been given a royal pardon. 313 00:24:41,510 --> 00:24:46,090 Our next sketch will feature an artistic lady nudist who will do lightning pen 314 00:24:46,090 --> 00:24:49,890 and ink sketches, as long as she doesn't drop her fountain pen and ink -a -dink 315 00:24:49,890 --> 00:24:50,890 -a -do. 316 00:24:58,910 --> 00:25:01,010 Thank you. Thank you, the studio audience. 317 00:25:01,650 --> 00:25:02,750 No, they really are. 318 00:25:03,340 --> 00:25:05,340 Fabulous audience here this evening, I can say that. 319 00:25:05,940 --> 00:25:07,540 Good heaven. Well, I think I can, really. 320 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,640 It's amazing, you know, the difference that a bowl of soup and a promise of a 321 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:11,640 bed for the night can make. 322 00:25:14,740 --> 00:25:15,740 Listen to this. 323 00:25:15,860 --> 00:25:16,860 This will make you laugh. 324 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:20,600 Well, it won't make everybody laugh, you know, because you can never please 325 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:21,600 everybody, as we know. 326 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:25,480 I was working, this is true, I was working in the theatre last week, and 327 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:30,380 the performance, two little boys at the stage doors, and one said, I thought you 328 00:25:30,380 --> 00:25:32,440 were very good, he said. Will you give me your autograph? 329 00:25:33,130 --> 00:25:34,970 And the other one said, well, I thought you were rotten. 330 00:25:35,990 --> 00:25:40,450 So I gave him 10p, you see, to the little boy who said I was rotten. And 331 00:25:40,450 --> 00:25:43,930 other little boy said, I said you were very good and you gave me nothing. 332 00:25:44,310 --> 00:25:46,970 And he said you were rotten and you gave him 10p. 333 00:25:47,410 --> 00:25:51,090 And I said, well, I gave him 10p because he was being absolutely honest. 334 00:25:51,950 --> 00:25:54,250 And the other little boy said, what do you mean he was being honest? 335 00:25:54,470 --> 00:25:56,810 He never even saw the show. It was me that told him you were rotten. 336 00:26:00,250 --> 00:26:01,250 Anyway. 337 00:26:02,300 --> 00:26:08,740 Here is this very funny story that my agent sold me. Now, it's about an 338 00:26:08,740 --> 00:26:12,460 airliner full of holidaymakers returning from the continent. 339 00:26:12,900 --> 00:26:15,660 Now, there's always a temptation, you know, when a comedian is talking about 340 00:26:15,660 --> 00:26:19,680 airplanes, to do the jokes, you know, about the plane was so old that it had 341 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:25,080 outside toilet. And when we landed to refuel, we took on wood. 342 00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:28,780 But I am not. 343 00:26:30,060 --> 00:26:34,120 I'm not going to do that sort of thing because, I mean, all that was years ago 344 00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:37,720 when, you know, when they did these really cheap continental holidays, you 345 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,420 the old kamikaze pound stretchers. 346 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:47,640 The white, white knuckle flights, you know, where everybody used to sit there, 347 00:26:47,740 --> 00:26:50,160 you know, before takeoff, holding their breath, you know. 348 00:26:50,500 --> 00:26:53,200 Sometimes it was so quiet you could hear the death watch beetle in the 349 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:54,200 propellers. 350 00:26:55,500 --> 00:27:00,080 And then, and then when the undercarriage failed, All the third 351 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:03,400 passengers had to put their legs through holes in the floor and run like hell, 352 00:27:03,420 --> 00:27:04,420 you know. 353 00:27:05,220 --> 00:27:10,400 But I have just had a thought that there might be viewers watching at home. 354 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:16,540 You know, it's possible. It's a cold night and people just can't afford to go 355 00:27:16,540 --> 00:27:20,400 the pubs and pictures like they used to, you know. I rang our local cinema last 356 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,300 night and I said, what time does the big picture start? 357 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:23,800 He said, what time can you get here? 358 00:27:28,460 --> 00:27:32,120 Not exactly true, but they have had to make economies, you know. I mean, we 359 00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:35,540 to have a very pretty girl with a torch showing us to our seats, you know. 360 00:27:35,780 --> 00:27:38,340 Now they've got a cat with one eye that walks down the aisle backwards. 361 00:27:42,140 --> 00:27:48,860 But what I'm trying to say, if I'll give 362 00:27:48,860 --> 00:27:53,760 myself half a chance, is that there might be viewers watching at home of a 363 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,860 nervous disposition who don't like aeroplane stories, you know. 364 00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:00,460 Actually, my wife has been like that ever since, you know, during the war. 365 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,240 Her father was shot down by one of our own aircraft. 366 00:28:03,780 --> 00:28:06,640 No, he was up there building a chimney and the pilot mistook him. 367 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:10,020 The pilot mistook him for an enemy bricklayer. 368 00:28:13,180 --> 00:28:19,620 So if I may digress for a moment, just to suggest that any nervous viewers that 369 00:28:19,620 --> 00:28:25,640 can slope off now, make a cup of wind carnage while we finish the J -O -K -E 370 00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:26,640 about the... 371 00:28:28,570 --> 00:28:31,630 Now, what other show looks after neurotics like we do? 372 00:28:32,570 --> 00:28:34,450 We should get a grant from the National Health. 373 00:28:36,190 --> 00:28:43,190 We do? I didn't know that. So, I knew I got a grant 374 00:28:43,190 --> 00:28:45,630 from the National Health. You do if you're my height. 375 00:28:47,270 --> 00:28:48,570 An undersized grant. 376 00:28:50,370 --> 00:28:55,120 So, anyway, the pilot, back in the airplane, the pilot said, We shall be 377 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:59,540 at London. It's the microphone in here. He said, we shall be landing... What? 378 00:28:59,700 --> 00:29:06,060 Little pen pictures I paint. We shall be landing... Oh, dear. 379 00:29:06,420 --> 00:29:11,200 It's like the rep at Cromer. We shall be landing... We shall be landing... We're 380 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:12,240 doing Lorna Doon at the moment. 381 00:29:13,780 --> 00:29:14,780 At Cromer, you know. 382 00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:16,920 Case comes up on Thursday, but anyway. 383 00:29:18,760 --> 00:29:22,020 We shall be... We shall be landing... 384 00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:26,580 But we shall be landing at London... We'll be landing in a minute. Hang on. 385 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:31,200 We shall be landing at London Airport in five minutes. 386 00:29:31,660 --> 00:29:34,380 Please fasten your seatbelts. Thank you very much. 387 00:29:34,660 --> 00:29:38,820 And inadvertently, forgetting to turn the mic off, he turned to the co -pilot, 388 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:43,460 he said, and the first thing I'm going to do when I land is have a pint, and 389 00:29:43,460 --> 00:29:48,100 then I'm going to make mad, passionate love, violent love to that new blonde 390 00:29:48,100 --> 00:29:51,600 hostess. So the hostess down the airplane, she hears this. 391 00:29:51,820 --> 00:29:55,000 you know, from one of the speakers. So she runs down the cabin, you know, to 392 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:58,720 tell him to switch it off, and trips flat on her face over an old lady's 393 00:29:59,020 --> 00:30:02,280 The old lady looks down and says, no need to be in such a hurry, dear, she 394 00:30:02,420 --> 00:30:04,720 I distinctly heard him say he was going to have a pint first. 395 00:30:15,300 --> 00:30:19,060 The last guest will be presented exactly as it arrived from the author. 396 00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:20,720 It's full of misprints. 397 00:30:21,310 --> 00:30:26,010 But he refuses to sack his typist as she has a widowed mother and a 42 -inch 398 00:30:26,010 --> 00:30:27,010 bust. 399 00:30:28,630 --> 00:30:30,370 In other words, two very good reasons. 400 00:30:33,090 --> 00:30:37,030 Here, then, is the sketch entitled All in a Day's Burp. 401 00:30:38,690 --> 00:30:40,290 Good morning, Mr. Sorbit. 402 00:30:41,170 --> 00:30:42,610 Rude morning, Mr. Basker. 403 00:30:43,310 --> 00:30:44,630 Hotter you this morning. 404 00:30:45,110 --> 00:30:46,110 Wool, I trust? 405 00:30:46,290 --> 00:30:47,970 Oh, phone absolutely bone. 406 00:30:48,970 --> 00:30:50,960 I've got a lot of wonk. to do this morning. 407 00:30:51,900 --> 00:30:54,440 So have I. I've got an enormous pole in my entry. 408 00:30:55,260 --> 00:30:56,600 Anything in the newspaper? 409 00:30:57,340 --> 00:30:58,340 What? 410 00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:00,299 The nude paper. 411 00:31:00,300 --> 00:31:01,300 Anything in the newspaper? 412 00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:05,640 Not a log, not a log. 413 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:08,440 No. It's all body dicks these days, you know. 414 00:31:12,180 --> 00:31:15,960 There's a little bit in here about the TV play last night. Did you see it? No, 415 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:17,440 we had some friends over for a mall. 416 00:31:21,169 --> 00:31:23,770 Spicy. Girl running around in nothing but a pair of knickers. 417 00:31:24,950 --> 00:31:27,050 I see Mrs. Teithouse has complained again. 418 00:31:28,730 --> 00:31:30,550 She needs a swift kick up the arm. 419 00:31:36,510 --> 00:31:39,730 Quite. I mean, it's not as if she removed her knockers. 420 00:31:40,930 --> 00:31:43,050 I mean, that would have been different. 421 00:31:43,390 --> 00:31:44,390 Yes, absolutely. 422 00:31:46,490 --> 00:31:49,670 Talking of that, have you seen Mrs. Wiggins this morning? 423 00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:51,940 She's late again, as usual. 424 00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:55,600 You know, she's been laid every day this week. 425 00:31:57,160 --> 00:31:59,120 Well, I'll soon put a slop to that. 426 00:32:00,180 --> 00:32:01,640 I'll give her a weeds notice. 427 00:32:02,540 --> 00:32:03,680 Oh, don't do that. 428 00:32:03,940 --> 00:32:04,940 Why knit? 429 00:32:05,660 --> 00:32:07,480 Well, I'd hate to see her toe from here. 430 00:32:08,300 --> 00:32:09,300 Why? 431 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:16,640 Well, if you must know, Mrs Higgins and I are in Hove. 432 00:32:21,900 --> 00:32:22,900 Mrs. Friggins. 433 00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:26,600 Yes, but don't toll anyone. It's a Socrates. 434 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:31,940 She doosn't wint any bocky to pole about it. 435 00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:37,760 Now, is that clear? 436 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:39,080 What, not even moo? 437 00:32:39,220 --> 00:32:40,980 Not even you. 438 00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:43,280 All right. It's O .F. by me. 439 00:32:45,140 --> 00:32:48,860 Well, well, Weddle, you crafty old sea and so. 440 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:53,900 I've been so unhappy, you know. Oh. 441 00:32:54,180 --> 00:32:56,340 Well, she's all I ever wanted in a Roman. 442 00:32:59,100 --> 00:33:03,680 Churning, rude -looking, and a wonderful doth position. 443 00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:07,380 Why are you so unhacky? Why are you frying? 444 00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:10,820 Why don't you just get matted? 445 00:33:12,940 --> 00:33:14,820 Well, she's already morried. 446 00:33:15,100 --> 00:33:16,820 Oh, a Jewish chap. 447 00:33:17,500 --> 00:33:18,500 Yes. 448 00:33:19,060 --> 00:33:21,200 The situation is absolutely sopless. 449 00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:28,060 I just have to put a stoke to it. I mean, over these past few months, it's 450 00:33:28,060 --> 00:33:30,360 so difficult for me to hide my fooling. 451 00:33:31,540 --> 00:33:33,920 Please, you're giving me indigestion as it is. 452 00:33:34,140 --> 00:33:35,140 Where are my piles? 453 00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:36,360 Oh, here they are. 454 00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:40,559 Come along. 455 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:41,419 Come along. 456 00:33:41,420 --> 00:33:42,420 Blow your note. 457 00:33:43,860 --> 00:33:45,900 That's it. Oh, morning, Miss Biggins. 458 00:33:46,500 --> 00:33:47,500 Morning. 459 00:33:48,220 --> 00:33:49,220 Morning, Rennie. 460 00:33:49,660 --> 00:33:50,660 Morning, Rummy. 461 00:33:51,660 --> 00:33:52,660 Why are you late? 462 00:33:52,780 --> 00:33:54,420 You know you're supposed to be here by nine o 'clock. 463 00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:56,720 Well, I'm very soddy. 464 00:33:57,460 --> 00:33:59,140 I thought I'd been here on the bot. 465 00:33:59,700 --> 00:34:01,280 But, um, I had to see the dictator. 466 00:34:02,820 --> 00:34:05,300 Doctor, you're not feeling all, are you? 467 00:34:05,620 --> 00:34:07,180 I never felt better in my loaf. 468 00:34:09,380 --> 00:34:11,719 He's just told me I'm going to have a boobie. 469 00:34:15,380 --> 00:34:16,380 What? 470 00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:17,418 It's true. 471 00:34:17,420 --> 00:34:18,520 I'm going to be a tummy. 472 00:34:19,580 --> 00:34:22,100 A little bit of two lotions, my bear. 473 00:34:23,199 --> 00:34:24,679 Go in there and put your fees up. 474 00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:29,820 You must bake it easy for a while, you know. Oh, thank you. You're very kind. 475 00:34:31,639 --> 00:34:34,840 Well, that's that, isn't it, eh? That's the end of your little affair. 476 00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:37,320 Now you'll have to put a slop to it, won't you, eh? 477 00:34:37,860 --> 00:34:40,900 Which means, my dear Chip, that all your trebles are over. 478 00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:44,780 Well, not really. I mean, her husband's a sailor. He might take me out to sea 479 00:34:44,780 --> 00:34:45,780 and throw me overboard. 480 00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:47,800 Why should he do that? Because of the child. 481 00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:49,780 He hasn't been home for two years. 482 00:34:50,429 --> 00:34:52,070 What are you trying to tell me? 483 00:34:52,670 --> 00:34:54,389 Do I have to spell it out for you? 484 00:34:54,989 --> 00:34:56,469 I'm going to be a beaver. 485 00:35:31,790 --> 00:35:32,790 Thank you. 486 00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:34,780 Oh, Bolter John was young and fair, and Bolter John was gay. 487 00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:41,620 He said, I'll tread the morning dew to take the air, and listen to the 488 00:38:41,620 --> 00:38:46,440 twittering of the birds all day, the bumblebees at play. 489 00:38:47,060 --> 00:38:53,420 The twit, the twit, the twit, the twit, the twittering of the birds all day. The 490 00:38:53,420 --> 00:38:58,060 bum, the bum, the bumblebees at play. 491 00:39:05,290 --> 00:39:09,730 Oh, Sir John, he went his way, observing nature's path. 492 00:39:10,370 --> 00:39:16,930 Dear mother, oh, tell me, pray, why elephants live so long, they say. Your 493 00:39:16,930 --> 00:39:21,450 live but a day, then they drop dead upon the grass. 494 00:39:22,090 --> 00:39:27,630 Your flies, your flies, your flies, your flies, your flies live but a day, then 495 00:39:27,630 --> 00:39:29,890 they drop dead, drop dead, drop dead. 496 00:39:39,720 --> 00:39:44,940 Now both of John, he met a maid as on her back she lay. 497 00:39:45,420 --> 00:39:51,680 Please show respect and come not near, for I've seen many a maiden here. Get 498 00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:56,460 lost among the new moneys, so doff your hat, I pray. 499 00:39:57,240 --> 00:40:03,820 Get lost, get lost, get lost, get lost, get lost among the new moneys. So doff, 500 00:40:03,820 --> 00:40:05,180 so doff, so doff. 501 00:40:17,900 --> 00:40:22,580 When bold Sir John returned home, they gave him gin to try. 502 00:40:23,160 --> 00:40:29,660 Nay, fill me not with liquor up, though give me grain or grape to sup. Poor cow 503 00:40:29,660 --> 00:40:34,200 slips dew into my cup, a pure return am I. 504 00:40:34,780 --> 00:40:41,300 Poor cow, poor cow, poor cow, poor cow, poor cow slips dew into my cup. Up you, 505 00:40:41,500 --> 00:40:42,800 up you, up you. 506 00:40:52,750 --> 00:40:55,550 Up you, up you, up you, up you. 507 00:41:48,270 --> 00:41:52,190 Well, that's all for this week. Next week we'll meet a man who crossed a 508 00:41:52,190 --> 00:41:56,170 with a lady contortionist and got a girl who could tickle her own fancy. 509 00:41:59,690 --> 00:42:03,970 And we'll talk to an interior decorator who crossed an elephant with an 510 00:42:03,970 --> 00:42:06,550 axminster rug and got a big thick pile on his carpet. 511 00:42:08,590 --> 00:42:11,610 But now it's goodnight from me and it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.